


Stages of Grief

by RandomSlasher (Randomslasher)



Category: Left 4 Dead 2
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-25
Updated: 2013-11-25
Packaged: 2018-01-02 14:33:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1057907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Randomslasher/pseuds/RandomSlasher
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ellis tries to work through the stages of grief.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stages of Grief

I don't wanna be rude, so I'll go ahead and introduce myself. Name's Ellis. But I gotta admit, I really don't know why they want me to talk to you. I ain't nuts, or anything. That's the only reason they make you see a head-shrinker, right? My uncle had to go see one this one time. He was in Vietnam, and I guess something exploded kinda close to his head and when he woke up he thought he was Frank Sinatra, 'cept he didn't know any of his songs? So then he was all upset, because his career was gonna fail if he couldn't remember the songs, so he started pitchin' this fit, and they had to tie him down and bring in a head shrinker to try an' tell him he wasn't Frank Sinatra, an--

Huh? Oh, sorry. Anyway, like I was sayin', I'm not crazy. I mean, I know two and two is four, and I know what year it is and who's president and everything. That's how you tell, right? That's what they kept askin' my buddy Keith when he had to go to the hospital 'cause he hit his head--see, he was tryin' to invent a double-decker bicycle, you know like they have double decker buses and shit? Only turns out it wasn't such a great idea, 'cause he had this ladder to try an' get up onto the second level, and when he--

Right, sorry. I guess I get kinda side-tracked with stories sometimes. That's what Nick always says, anyway.

Look, I don't know what the big deal is. I mean, it was a zombie apocalypse. It was kinda traumatizing, I guess, but how come everyone doesn't have to talk to you? Coach was all freakin' out when the food court was all busted up and no one made him talk to a shrink.

This is just 'cause of what I said about Nick, isn't it? Well, I ain't backing down on that one. He's alive. Don't listen to the rest of them; they don't know him like I do. He's alive.

How do I know? I just...I just do, I guess.

Denial? Sure, I've heard of that, but I don't got it. I mean, I ain't in it. It's not the same thing. It's more like...like church. Where you just believe, 'cause you know, not 'cause you had someone there to tell it to ya. Though I guess they do tell you in church, don't they? So maybe it's not like that, but sometimes there's just things you know, like the knowin's part of your soul or somethin'. I know Nick's alive. That's all there is to it.

Tell you about him? I could do that, I guess...

* * *

I didn't think much of Nick, the first time we met. And I was pretty sure he didn't think much of me, either. Of course, I guess he didn't think much of any of us, way he was acting.

"Name's Nick, but don't bother learning it. I'm not sticking around."

That kinda surprised me, I gotta admit. See, me, I was freaked out. And the last thing I wanted to be was alone. But Nick...I guess Nick's different. He didn't wanna stay with us, he wanted to be by himself, like he could take better care of things alone. I think that's nuts. There's zombies out there that once they get ahold of ya, they ain't letting go, not until someone else makes 'em. I didn't know that then, though, and I guess maybe Nick didn't either. But even without knowing exactly what we was up against, it didn't seem real smart to go off on our own.

Coach didn't think so either. "Let's stick together a little while longer, okay, Nick?" he said, in this kinda voice like you could tell he was used to bein' listened to. And I was more'n happy to listen to him.

Nick didn't really say nothin' but I guess he decided pretty quick Coach was probably right, 'cause he didn't leave. I sorta kept expecting him to, way he kept talking to us like we was all morons or something. Me especially. I know I got this accent and I don't always talk exactly right and such, but I'm not stupid. I've been workin' on cars my whole life; I rebuilt a Chevy engine when I was nine, all on my own. I may not have any degrees or shit, but we got this guy at the garage, Steve, and he does have a degree all up in fancy papers and such, in a frame behind the counter, and he don't know the first thing about how to really listen to a car and see what's wrong, so I guess that pretty piece o' paper isn't everything, is it? 

So we was all together, the four of us against all these zombies, and it was scary as hell but also kinda fun. It was sorta like living a video game. Least until one of 'em caught ya. Then it wasn't so fun anymore, 'cause some of 'em out there, they got sharp claws an' shit, and one even spits this acid stuff that really hurts like hell. I got stung by a jellyfish once when I was a kid and we went to the beach and it's kinda like that, all burning and stinging and everything like your skin's getting eaten right off your bones. 

Anyway, like I was saying, it was the four of us together, like it or not. Me, I liked it okay. Coach and Rochelle seemed pretty cool, and Nick was like some guy out of a movie or something. Like that movie with all them gambler dudes, with Brad Pitt or somethin' like that? I've never seen it but that's how I think Nick probably is. All cool and confident and everything, like he knows how to handle shit, and me, I can rebuild a car engine but I didn't wanna have to handle this alone.

Nick warmed up to us pretty quick, though. He kept callin' Ro sweetheart and honey and such, so I figured he's gonna be with her, 'cause that's how things go, and he's handsome in his suit and Ro's all pretty, so it was kinda surprising I guess, when he started talkin' to me instead.

It didn't happen right away or nothing. It wasn't until the first couple nights we was all together that he stopped calling me Overalls and started calling me Ellis instead, and even then sometimes he said it funny, makin' fun of me, I know, but one night he said it different.

"Ellis," he said, and I looked up at him.

"Yeah, Nick?"

He was sitting on a table, staring out the barred window of the saferoom door, just kinda watchin I guess, 'cause he didn't ever trust the saferooms. He'd sleep in 'em 'cause he had to but he didn't trust 'em.

"You got a girlfriend?"

I thought that was a strange thing to ask. "Uh, no," I said. Then, probably just 'cause I couldn't think of anything else to say, "Do you?"

He smirked. "Had a wife," he said. "Once was enough for me."

I guess that meant he wasn't interested in Rochelle then, even though he kept callin' her all them names.

Well, he didn't say nothin' else and after awhile I fell asleep, but I guess that was probably the first time he ever said my name for real, without being mean about it or anything, and I decided I kinda liked it. Nick's got a nice voice.

You'll see. When he gets here, you'll see.

* * *

Hi again. You look a little better today. I guess we all do, though, huh? It’s nice of them CEDA folks to get us some decent clothes ‘stead of those scrubs. Those ain’t comfortable at all. I guess they get better if you wear ‘em enough though. Once when Keith had to go to the hospital he found the closet where they kept them for the orderlies an’ such and he snagged a pair ‘cause they were all soft and worn out so they was real comfortable, like--

Oh, right. Sorry. You want to talk more about Nick. 

Yes, I still know he ain’t dead. I know it’s been a week now. That ain’t nothin’. Me and Nick and Coach and Ro, we was out there for weeks and weeks without anyone else, an--

Well...yeah, I know Nick would be alone now, but…

Listen, you just don’t know him like I do, that’s all. I said that before. He’s a smart guy. Really smart. He’ll be fine. It’s just slower travelin’, I bet, all alone out there. I’d go out and look for him except they said I can’t. Something about quar-en-tine. But I don’t know why they bothered, we been fightin’ zombies since day one, and--

Yeah, I know lots of people died. Lots of people ain’t Nick. 

Yeah, I guess I could tell you more about him. I don’t know why you’re so interested, but…

* * *

Nick kinda looked out for me. It was weird, seein’ as how he really seemed to find me annoying at first, but I guess we all sorta got used to each other. It’s tough to go through the things we did and not get a little closer. By the end of it, we was family, an’ I don’t think that’ll ever change. Even now that Ro found her brothers and Coach said his in-laws were--

Oh, right. Nick. Okay, well, like I said, he kinda looked out for me. I remember this one time, I got really banged up, and I was out of first aid gear, but Nick, he gave me his. He said he probably shoulda kept it for himself but he used it up on me anyway. He had some o’ that gel, that stuff they invented a while ago that you put on cuts and it’s like superglue and they don’t hurt and they heal real fast? That stuff was expensive before all this shit but now it’s basically gold, but he used up the last of it on me. I’m pretty sure if he hadn’t I’d’ve probably bled to death so I guess you could say Nick saved my life. 

O’course, he did that lots of times. I saved him too. It just happened that way out there. We all saved each other. Sometimes we’d go hours without seeing or hearing anything but sometimes it would seem they were all there at once, and it was all we could do just to keep one step ahead of ‘em. Me, I’m a pretty good shot, ‘cause I used to go huntin’ with Keith and my dad when I was a kid, but when you got that many things comin’ at you at once...well, let’s just say we all got into tight scrapes now and then. 

Anyway, that time after he helped me out, I stayed up with him for watch an’ we got to talkin’. He told me about his ex wife a little but mostly we just talked about nothin’, you know? How people can go on and on about stuff that don’t matter just ‘cause hearin’ another voice is better than listenin’ to the stuff in your own head? That was how that went. 

Only then it was a little weird ‘cause it got kinda quiet and Nick looked at me funny and said, “Ellis?” 

“Yeah?” I thought maybe he heard somethin’ so I was lookin’ out the window to see if I could see it too. 

Well he didn’t really say nothin’ after that so I got to thinkin’ maybe I’d said something wrong when we were talking, maybe pissed him off or something, because he was still looking at me all funny. But then he kinda smiled and leaned forward and touched my cheek and then said, “You had a bit of zombie on you,” and that was that. 

But I thought about that a lot, in the next couple of days, especially when Nick sorta seemed like maybe he was mad at me ‘cause he spent most of his time up front with Ro or talking to Coach, like he was avoidin’ me. 

It took me a few more days to figure out why that bothered me so much, though. 

By then I guess Nick had figured a few things out, too, ‘cause that was about the first time he kissed me. 

* * *

How long am I gonna have to keep coming to these things? I mean it was once a week before, but I just saw you two days ago, and--

No, I know what they found. It ain’t him. There’s lots a guys with white suits. Just ‘cause they found one guy in a white suit don’t mean it’s Nick. Yeah, I know they found him in the river. I don’t care. It’s not him. It’s not!

I’m not yelling, I’m just sayin’. Look, lady, I know what I know, and I know Nick and that is not him. No, I didn’t see him myself, but...that doesn’t matter, okay? It doesn’t!

I’m not upset! I just wish someone would believe me. Nick is alive. He’ll turn up any day now, you watch and see. Then I’ll have somethin’ to say, believe me. 

I don’t really feel like talking more right now. Not to you, anyways. 

Listen, I mean it. 

...All right, fine. If it’ll get you to lay off for a little while, I guess I could tell you a bit more. Not that any of this is any of your God damned business. 

Okay, okay. Let’s see. Where was I? 

* * *

I wasn’t sure what to make of it, when he kissed me. Nick didn’t seem like he was either, really. 

“Nick?” I asked, as soon as he’d pulled away. 

“Yeah.” He was staring at me like I was some kind of puzzle he'd been working on for ages and couldn’t quite figure out. Like maybe I was someone he’d known a long time ago and he couldn’t put a name to a face. 

“You just kissed me.” 

It might’ve seemed like a dumb thing to say but Nick looked just as bewildered by it as I felt, so I guess it wasn’t completely unreasonable. 

“Yeah,” he said after awhile. 

“Well,” I said, and stopped talking because what were you supposed to say after some guy you met during the apocalypse kissed you? 

We didn’t really talk about it much. I guess maybe there’s some things you just don’t gotta talk about. But we did kiss some more. Not all the time, but...sometimes he’d sneak in a quick peck when he woke me up in the mornings (he always woke up before I did) or after we’d fought off some zombies, if there was time. An’ it wasn’t just him kissin’ me. I kissed him too. It was...nice. Sorta like something good to go with all the bad that was all around us. A little break from the zombie apocalypse, even though we was still right in the middle of it. 

Maybe it didn’t make a lot of sense. I’d never been with a guy before and I don’t know about Nick but I got the feelin’ like he hadn’t either, but it didn’t feel like that, like it was a gay thing or a straight thing. It was me an’ him, and that was the important part. 

O’course, it didn’t go any further than that until the night of the witches. 

There was three of ‘em, see. I don’t know if you ever ran into any witches but they’re mean. I mean, really mean. They can knock you off your feet in seconds and tear you apart with those claws of theirs. You don’t mess around with a witch. 

You definitely don’t mess around with three of ‘em. 

But Nick did.

It was my fault, really. Everyone says it wasn’t but I was distracted an’ I didn’t see the hill and it was muddy, and...well, let’s just say I ended up face-down right next to the bitches, and they were none too pleased to see me. 

I was pretty sure it was the end. I mean, I’d been pretty sure of that before in all o’this, but that..I really thought my number was up. To be honest, I was a little surprised I’d lasted as long as I did. 

Ellis, ol’ boy, you had a good run, but they got the better of you in the end, is what I thought. 

Except then I heard Ro scream my name and Coach was hollerin’ and suddenly Nick was there, standin’ in front of me, between me and the witches who was starting to get all worked up, ready to attack.

He said “I don’t think so,” and cocked his rifle like he was Rambo or somethin’, and then bam. Bam. Bam. Three shots, rapid-fire, one to each witch, and they was down. All of ‘em. I ain’t shittin’ you, it was damn near the craziest shit I ever seen, and I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit lately. 

Then he turns around, holds out his hand. Doesn’t say a words. Just hauls me to my feet and while Coach and Ro are runnin’ over to see if we’re okay, he drags me close with his fist in the front of my shirt and then he was kissin’ me. Right where they could see! And it weren’t no sweet little stolen thing, neither. This was a serious kiss. He meant it. You know how people can kiss like they mean it? Nick did, right then. 

I don’t know how I forgot all about Coach and Ro until I suddenly realized Coach was chucklin and Ro was making ‘cutesy’ sounds like she thought the whole thing was adorable and I was real embarrassed, and sorta expected Nick to be, too. Coach said, “All right, break it up, you two. Get a room.” 

And Nick, I swear to God, he pulled away and gave me this look that I think coulda probably charmed a witch all on its own, just this sorta halfway grin, and he said, “That’s not a bad idea.” 

Well, I ain’t gonna say what happened next. I’m a gentleman. 

* * *

Look, I don’t much feel like talkin’ today. 

Why? ‘cause I know what you want. You want to know what happened next. Ro let the cat out of the bag on this one. You’re usin’ that psychological thing...you’re gettin’ me to open up so I can...process my grief. 

Well, I ain’t grieving, lady. You know why? Yeah, you know why. You grieve for dead people. You know what I’m gonna say next so I guess I don’t got to say it. 

I also just...I don’t want to talk about it. What happened next, that is. I just...I don’t. So you can forget it. 

Yeah, sure, maybe Ro will talk to you. But I...I gotta take a walk. 

* * *

Hi. Yeah, no problem, I...if it’ll help Ellis…

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be getting all emotional, I just...it’s so hard, you know? To see him doing this to himself. He waits by the front gates every day, every time they bring in more survivors, like he just knows this time, this time…

I’m sorry, could I have a tissue? Thanks…

* * *

Nick and Ellis were something right out of a romance novel. I know that sounds really silly, because they’re definitely neither one perfect, but they were so sweet about each other. They both tried to hide it under this macho guy routine, but I’ve never seen two people so absolutely head over heels for one another. Nick would look around for Ellis any time he wasn’t immediately in sight, and Ellis would do the same thing. And they’d look at each other and you could tell they’d just had this whole conversation. It was like watching my parents together, like people who’d been together for a lifetime, not just a few weeks. 

Of course, a few weeks in that hell sure felt like a lifetime, so maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. 

I guess I’m not surprised Ellis can’t bear to talk about this part, either. I still have nightmares, honestly. It was so…

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just...oh God, Nick… 

It’s not just Ellis grieving, of course not. Coach and I, we loved Nick too. Not like Ellis did, but...we got to be a family out there, and Nick and Ellis and Coach, they’re all like my brothers now. I don’t know what’s going to happen after all this but I guarantee you one thing, I will never lose track of those boys. They’re my family. 

Say it? No, Ellis never said it, but I know he loved Nick. And Nick loved him. They were such dopes, but--

Oh. Oh. You think that’s why Ellis can’t...can’t accept this? Because they never said it? 

I don’t know. Maybe. But looking at them, it was like they didn’t have to say it. They each just knew. Especially on the bridge…

Ellis didn’t tell you about the bridge, I guess. Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me. 

The bridge is where...where it happened. Where we lost Nick. 

See...they were doing a bombing run. And we had to get across the bridge, but with all the firing squads on the other side, the zombies were in a panic, and the bridge was just a funnel for them. They were all bearing down on us, and one of them...one of the big ones...it had knocked a tanker truck right into our path. That’s where Coach broke his arm. The rest of us were pretty banged up, too. And this monster was still bearing down on us. 

It was Nick who had the idea. We were out of ammo, but Nick had a grenade launcher. I don’t know how Ellis knew what he was thinking--they were sort of spooky like that, like I said--but they looked at each other and Ellis was suddenly going, “No, no no,” like his heart was breaking. It was awful. And Nick just looked at me and yelled, “Get them out of here!” and then he was gone. He hollered at the stupid brute and it followed him--they’ll do that, they’ll follow you if you get their attention--and he led him away, back to this part of the bridge that had already been damaged. And when he had that tank on it--that’s what we called the big ones, tanks--he took the gun and grinned and shot the last support and the whole part they were standing on...it collapsed. It happened so fast. One second they were there and then they were just...gone. Coach and I had to practically drag Ellis after us. I think he’d’ve gone down with Nick if he could’ve. 

It was in the helicopter he first did that--what’d you call it? Catatonic? Yeah. Where he wouldn’t talk and he wouldn’t respond to anyone. It was so scary. I thought we were going to lose him too. It was so awful, seeing him that way. But then when he came back it was like...like he was just in this other world. He’s convinced Nick isn’t dead. I mean, he saw him go down with that tank, and we...we told him they’d found the body…

What? Well...no. But it’s not like they have time to identify every single one they find. I’m sure they’d’ve..

Well, if it’ll help Ellis come to terms with this, then yes, I think it’s okay to lie to him! Don’t you start judging me here. I just want Ellis to be able to grieve and move on. Don’t you think that’s what Nick would’ve wanted? He loved that boy. I know he did. That’s why he did what he did. It wasn’t for me or Coach. It was for Ellis. We were just incidentals. I’m sure he’s glad he saved us too but he’d’ve done the same thing if Coach and I hadn’t been there. He did that for Ellis. He wouldn’t want him to be...be hung up like this forever. 

Listen, I don’t know what good this is doing. It’s not me who can’t let go. It’s Ellis. I know Nick’s dead. 

...I what? When? ...Well, fine, maybe I did refer to him in present tense. That doesn’t mean I don’t understand he’s dead. It’s...it’s hard, when you lose someone, to…

Look, don’t you start your psycho-shrink thing at me. I’m not the one with the problem here! I’m just trying to help my friend. 

Well sure I’m stressed! I just survived the zombie apocalypse, lady, and now one of my best friends is living in a fantasy world where he thinks his lover is still alive when he practically watched him die, and…

Well, no, I didn’t actually see him die…

I mean, I suppose it’s possible, I…

Wait, don’t you start! It’s not rational to think Nick’s alive. It’s not! 

What do you mean? Why should I look out your window? ...Okay, yes, I see trucks, what’s the big de--

Oh. Oh. Oh my God, that’s...it’s not...it can’t…

Do--you’re seeing this too, right? Am I going crazy? I…

Oh my God. That’s him. That’s Nick. That’s Nick! 

I have to go! Where’s Ellis? 

Ellis!

* * *

Hi there! Nice of you to drop by and visit. I know the medical center is quite a walk from your office. 

So I guess this is the last time I’ll be seein’ you, huh? Not to gloat or rub it in. My momma always said ‘I told you so’ were the most unnecessary words in the English language. Gotta say, though, sometimes they feel damn good, don’t they? 

Oh, hush, Nick, you don’t know what it was like listening to this one ramble on all these weeks about stages of grief and whatnot. If you’d’ve hurried yourself here a little sooner, maybe I wouldn’t have to have put up with it so long. 

Yeah, yeah, I know. Hush, you big baby. The doctor says you’re gonna be fine. Just try an’ get some rest so that leg o’ yours will heal. Ma’am, do you think maybe you could come back another time…? Nick’s awfully tired, and I’ve gotta get him to eat this gruel they give us and he’s pickier than a toddler, I swear...

Oh! Well, okay then. Not sayin’ good riddance or anyhin’ but I’m sure you could do more good to some other folks who’ve actually got things they need head shrinkin’ about. Well...it was nice meeting you, I suppose. Maybe you can stop by and visit when Nick’s feelin’ better. 

Yes, ma’am. You take care, too. 

Bye, now. 

* * *


End file.
